Go placidly amid the noise and the spam,
And remember, what a great commenter and naysayer you are.
As far as possible, without losing your dignity,
Try to avoid all face-to-face conversations.
Speak your truth clearly and loudly,
But only after scrolling through the comments section of every social media platform.
And if they disagree with you, it’s their problem.
But never forget to share your opinions with strangers,
For your thoughts are as sacred as the hidden knowledge of the ancients.
Take time to correct people’s grammar.
Nothing brings more peace to the world than proper punctuation.
Exercise restraint in your search for meaning,
But never in your search for the perfect meme.
If you cannot be brilliant, be louder,
For volume equals authority in these stupid times.
Keep a list of all your grievances,
For only the chronically offended can genuinely see the light.
Resist the temptation to accept things as they are—
After all, reality is just a social construct.
But know the vastness of your own shortcomings.
For humility is overrated and largely for peasants.
Take pride in your flawed perfection,
And remind others that you are, at all times, just being real.
If you are a failure at something,
Make sure it’s someone else’s fault.
Find solace in the fact that your shortcomings
Are simply a byproduct of the world’s incompetence.
Make friends, but never let them get too close,
For trust is a valuable resource to be rationed.
Remember to self-promote with abandon,
For you are nothing without your online persona.
In the face of crises,
Remember: your unqualified opinions on global issues —
Are just as valid as the experts’.
Do not distress over the inevitable collapse of civilization—
You’ve got Wi-Fi, and that’s all that matters.
And above all, when the world crumbles beneath your feet,
Know that you, the Corrupted Idiot,
Are still right, and you always will be.
Be well. (MBB)
By Bella Balisi-Bevilacqua